Life Like This

Give me hope, Allah

2011-12-23T04:30:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

So there have been few posts, I'd like to call it one because most of it are from the same source. Well, let's just get this straight, have you watched the video of a nineteen year-old girl ho have been proposed by someone. How? He went to see her parents, gave her a Nikon I'm not sure which model and all I can say about this Nikon thingy was that, I screamed over it. Someone gave you a Nikon to propose to you? How cool was that?

The Nikon isn't just a thing because there are few photos in it of, well, you should watch it yourself here or else I would be called a synopsis teller, just like a friend of mine have called me.

It would be beautiful to be proposed in such a way, and yes, they say that love after marriage will be full of barakah. But that doesn't mean love(without pre-marriage of course) before marrieage won't work. Example? My parents. Easy. Why? Too much to tell. Let's just say, they were apart, and they were engaged after have been apart for some time.

And they have been 'dating' since high school. Who said high school relationship won't work? It's based on how you treat it. No relationship will work if there's no trust. And loyalties. And compromises. And limitations. If you're a Muslim, you know what is right, what is wrong. There's no prohibition in being in love, but there's a law against dating. Or should I say, couple-ing.

And that's why I say there is limitations. Holding hands? Nuh-uh, no can do. Kissing, nuh-uh too. Sex? Tell me, what kind of religion encourages their believers to have sex out of marriage? Unless if you were to say the Satan-worshiping belief.

So yeah, honestly I've been thinking about the idea of getting married. It's just, should or shouldn't I?

I can give reasons(not excuses, that's for sure). Here;

Early marriage, why not?
A halal relationship.
I get to see him without worrying about people badmouthing us, spreading fitnah.
I can hold his hands, legally.
It's encouraged by syariah.

It's just, the thing is, how can I get married?

How can I get married if I myself haven't really changed for good? How can I get married if I myself don't ready for it? I can be ready, insyaAllah, someday. How can I tell Abah about this? Will he like Azri? Will he approve him? Will Azri be ready to bear all the responsiblities he'll have on me? Will he really change for good tomorrow, or the day after or the next day, and the next day, and the next day?

I'm not saying that he can't change, he will. I know. Allah's willing. Allah will surely listen to us. To me.

Okay, I admit, this feeling of wanting to get married suddenly was provoked by watching the video. I can't really tell how I felt at that moment, I was touched. It was way beautiful than the movie Titanic, as my friend would call it.

I'm not saying that I'm getting married now, maybe in few years time. Well, I have my own plannings, too. But still, I'll have to leave the rest to Him.

So, here's another video of a girl being proposed.

I wanna get married!

Emotional imbalance

2011-12-11T01:07:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Yes, I've moved to Bangi. Already. It feels weird actually to be in my old house. Awkward. Weird. Simply weird.

I wonder to myself, mampu ke Zima nak tanggung semua yang akan datang? Yes, I'm talking about my relationship. And yes, I know I've got my other priorities to think of but right now I'm thinking of this.

My relationship.

It's not that I'm having doubts in it. Well, anything could happen in three years time, right? Right. Even a person's mind could change within few seconds just to make a decision, what more to say in three years time. I hate crying. I hate the feeling when you miss someone and you just couldn't do anything much about it. You just sit there, call the person, or maybe Skype, just to see him/her. There's always a part in me that says, "That's not enough. I want to see you face-to-face. I want to see you smile right in front of my eyes. I want to see you breathing right in front of my eyes bla bla bla..."

And sometimes to me that's just enough rather than not to have anything at all. Example, if I were studying somewhere out of Malaysia. Yes, there's Skype. Not to mention a whole tight schedule for my studies, tuition class whatsoever. Glad that I wasn't in that situation.

Well, at least he could catch a flight to KL, right? At least. At least he could hear my voice every night before going to bed, right? At least.

Lots of people have doubts in long distance relationship. If I said that nahhh it's an easy thing, trust, faith, communication bla bla bla, than that would be a lie for not saying that it was kinda rough. But those things about long distance is somewhat true. Trust, but mind yourself in it. Faith for that person that he/she loves you. Communication, well, let's just say every type of relationship won't work without communication, right?

But I've read somewhere which goes like this, "In long distance relationship you should see the succeed relationship, not the failed one."

Psychologically, it's true. If you were to look at something that is negative, you won't be thinking of something that is positive. I'm not generalizing it but yes, it is somewhat true. I've seen a successful long distance relationship; my parents. Seeing them has given me a hope that keeps me holding on to this relationship.

I have faith. No, I must have faith.

I know, I know

2011-12-07T15:25:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Have you ever hated people before? Kalau tak pernah tu, tipu la. Tak benci, cuma tak suka saja.

Kita kata orang tu bajet baik, bajet bagus apa semua, kan? Kita cakap macam tu pun dah cukup nak gambarkan yang kita sendiri bajet baik. Zima cakap macam ni pun orang mungkin akan kata Zima ni bajet baik nak cakap kat semua orang yang orang lain tu semuanya bajet baik.

Zima tak pernah rasa Zima ni orang yang baik. Kalau Zima buat kebaikan tapi masih nampak macam bajet baik di mata orang lain, apa yang Zima buat sampai orang lain berkata begitu? Ya, mungkin dorang tak suka kat kita. Even kawan kawan kita yang rapat dengan kita pun, ada jugak yang tak sukakan kita. Tak semestinya kalau orang kata kita ni ada something wrong somewhere, orang tu salah, betul tak? Kalau tak betul pun, kita mungkin ada buat salah.

Semua orang(tak semua la) akan ingat kisah lalu seseorang itu, kan? Ada setengah orang dapat terima masa lepas seseorang, tapi tak semua. Kalau yang dapat terima tu, baguslah. Zima pun ada jugak mengumpat. Zima pun ada jugak mengutuk. Zima pun ada jugak mengata. Zima pun tau, Zima ni bajet baik. Anything else yang orang dok cakap pasal Zima. Ada ke? Tipulah kalau tak ada. Dalam FB tu misalnya, lagilah ramai orang yang kita tak kenal. Kenal pun setakat oh-budak-tu-ada-dalam-friends-list-aku, ye tak?

Dan tak semua budak yang ada dalam FB kita tu kenal kita sepenuhnya. Kita buat baik, first impression dorang semuanya baik baik. Itupun kalau betullah first impression dorang baik, ye tak? Tapi kalau yang kenal kita macam mana, kita ni baik ke tidak, apa yang dorang akan cakap? Some people might just say, "Kenapa Zima post camtu? Kenapa Zima macam ni? Kenapa Zima macam tu?"

And whatsoever. Orang yang kenal kita mungkin kata, "Eh, dia ni sejak bila berubah jadi baik ni? Sejak bila dia dok post post benda pasal nasihat? Sejak bila dia pandai perli orang ni? Oh, diam diam berisi rupanya. Entah entah saja je buat semua tu konon nak nampak baik.". See? Did you get my point? Zima cakap semua ni bukan nak generalize everyone by saying semua orang macam ni. Zima tau benda macam ni pun sebab Zima pun (kadang kadang) macam tu jugak.

Zima ni bajet baik? Ya. Betullah.

First of all, kalau ada silap Zima buat di mata orang, ingatlah, Zima pun tak perfect, macam orang lain jugak. Kalau Zima ni perfect, Zima tak akan secara tak langsungnya buat sesuatu yang orang lain akan rasa, "Eh? Eh! Aik? Asal dengan dia ni? Poyo gila! Bajet gila! Entah pape doh! Menyampah je! Bla bla bla...", betul tak?

Senang cakap, tak semua orang suka kat kita dan tak semua orang bencikan kita. Kita pun ada jugak orang yang kita tak suka. Kita pun ada orang yang kita suka. Senang, kan? Tapi hidup bukan pasal benda ni je, agama jangan lupa. Lagi satu, kalau bab agama ni la yang orang selalu pertikaikan. Zima bukanlah nak kata FB ni terlalu penting sangat sampai semua yang Zima nak suarakan semua ada kaitan dengan FB, tak. Tapi nak buat macam mana bila dalam FB la kita boleh tengok orang yang kita kenal dan kita suka, orang yang kita kenal dan kita tak suka, orang yang kita tak kenal tapi kita suka, dan jugak orang yang kita tak kenal dan kita tak suka. Betul tak? Dan tak semestinya dalam FB je.

Who knows bila Zima post benda berkaitan dengan agama, orang akan kata Zima ni bajet alim? Orang akan kata Zima ni, "Perangai sendiri pun masih tak betul, ada hati nak nasihat orang bab agama bla bla bla..." tapi cuba fikir balik, sekurang kurangnya Zima ada usaha sikit nak berdakwah. Biar Allah yang pandang usaha Zima tu. Baik buruk perangai Zima biar Allah yang tau. Biar Allah yang nilai. Tapi tu tak bermakna Zima tak patut usaha berubah sedikit demi sedikit, kan? By that I don't mean that I should be the only one. Kamu semua pun.

Semua orang kena ada usaha nak ubah diri sendiri. Nak perbaiki diri sendiri. Sebab makin kita melangkah ke depan, makin tu la kita dekat kepada kematian. Makin tu lah akhirat dekat. Itu pun kalau kita kejar akhirat, ye tak? Na'uzubillah.

Niat Zima hanya Allah yang tau. Kalau kita dok cakap kat orang, "Aku ikhlas la nak tolong kau. Aku ikhlas la nak belanja kau ni bla bla bla..." itu dah tak ikhlas dah. Niat pun hanya untuk disimpan dalam hati. Kalau kita dah cakap kat orang, itu lafaz namanya. Ingat satu benda ni la, Zima post semua ni pun dah cukup nak buat Zima sendiri rasa macam Zima ni bajet alim apa semua. Zima post benda ni pun dah cukup dah nak buat orang terasa, itu pun kalau ada. And kalau ada sekalipun, Zima mintak maaf. Zima post semua ni pun cukuplah nak buat orang menyampah. Itu pun kalau ada.

Zima bukan nak kata apa la, memang akan ada orang yang akan pertikaikan apa yang kita buat. Baik atau buruk sesuatu tu. Dan memang akan ada orang yang dapat terima apa yang orang lain pertikaikan, ada jugak yang tak boleh terima. Kita tak boleh expect tinggi sangat daripada seseorang kalau apa yang kita nak ialah kesempurnaan. Even orang yang baik dan sememangnya baik pun ada buat silap, tapi kita tak tau. Allah sahaja yang tau. Mungkin Allah lindung orang yang baik ni daripada terlihat segala keburukan dia, sebab Allah nak jaga dia. And kenapa Allah jaga dia?

Cuba fikir, Allah tak akan bagi sesuatu kat seseorang tu kalau Allah tak mengizinkan perkara tu berlaku. Macam hidayah, kalau kita tak usaha nak cari hidayah, kita tak akan dapat hidayah tu. Kalau hidayah yang Allah nak kurniakan dengan kehendakNya sendiri tu contohnya ialah hidayah untuk orang orang yang kafir supaya dia masuk Islam. Macam tu jugak dengan kebaikan yang kita nampak kat orang lain. Mungkin orang yang baik tu dia tau hukum hukum Allah. Dia tau apa yang halal, apa yang haram. Dia tau tanggungjawab dia kat atas muka bumi ni.

Tapi kenapa kita tak kata orang macam ni bajet baik? Kenapa kita kata orang yang berusaha nak mengubah dirinya menjadi seorang yang lebih baik tu bajet ini, bajet itu? Ya, memang akan ada orang yang dengki. Adanya orang yang dengki ni pun sebab adanya syaitan. And syaitan ni tugasnya nak menyesatkan kita, seperti yang kita sedia maklum. Tapi pernah tak kita nak lawan apa yang syaitan cuba buat kat kita? Ada, tapi susah sangat.

Zima pun tau, Zima pun susah jugak nak prevent segala godaan syaitan. Zima susah nak kawal sikap boros. Zima pun susah nak kawal perasaan ketika marah. Zima pun susah nak kawal mulut kalau Zima tak suka kat seseorang. Zima pun ada jugak mengumpat. Zima pun ada jugak melawan parents Zima. Zima pun ada jugak buat silap. Zima pun tak sempurna jugak.

Nabi ada kata, "Akan ada suatu masa nanti bila orang yang baik akan dipandang serong, dan orang yang jahat akan dimegah megahkan." Maksud apa yang Rasulullah cakap ni luas. Kita tak boleh la nak kata orang yang jahat tu sememangnya jahat. Apa yang nabi cakap ni kita boleh kaitkan dengan syaitan. Syaitan memang dah sedia maklum jahat, dan kita mudah nak kalah dengan godaan dia, kita jadi jahat sebab kita kalah kepada godaan syaitan ni. Dan selalunya benda yang tak elok kita megah megahkan. Contoh, fashion. Aurat yang terbukak sini sana itu yang kita kata cantik. Orang yang menunjukkan sikapnya yang tak elok kita kata cool. Kita kata dia selamba, kita kata dia ni best. Zima tak kata macam ni kalau Zima sendiri tak macam tu.

Selagi Allah bagi peluang untuk bertaubat kepada setiap hambaNya, selagi tu kita tak boleh nak kata orang yang jahat tu jahat selamanya. Kalau kita ni kata orang tu jahat, adakah kita ni baik? Kalau kita kata orang tu jahat dan kita kata kita ni baik, kenapa kita tak doakan kebaikan untuk orang orang yang jahat tu? Selagi orang yang jahat tu tak diberi kepercayaan untuk berubah, dia akan rasa diri dia jahat je.

Sebab apa? Kalau dia nak berubah jadi baik pun orang akan kata dia tu hipokrit. Tapi Allah Maha Mengetahui. Siapa yang jahat sebenarnya? Kita atau orang jahat tersebut? Macam mana kalau kita yang berada di tempat mereka, nak ke kita berubah jadi orang yang baik kalau setiap orang nak menghukum kita cakap kita ni jahat ini, jahat itu? I don't think so. Kalau Zima, memang Zima akan sentiasa rasa diri ni jahat sebab semua orang dah 'mendoakan' yang tak elok untuk Zima. Na'uzubillah.

Tapi ini tak bermaksud kita tak patut berusaha untuk berubah dalam apa jua keadaan. Orang kata, "Tak payah dengar sangat kata orang lain kalau kerja dorang asyik nak menghukum orang lain.". But pernah tak kita terfikir, ada sesetengah orang tak dapat handle society? Ada sesetengah orang memang boleh tak buat peduli benda benda macam ni? Sebab tu jugak la ada orang kata, "Cakap memang senang, nak buatnya susah.". One thing I've learnt, kita boleh nasihat orang tu, tapi jangan la nasihat dengan cara nak hukum dia. Sebab pemikiran dia mungkin ada berlainan dengan kita. Mungkin dia dapat terima nasihat kita, mungkin tak sebab kalau orang nasihat kita pun, belum tentu kita dengar apa yang orang nasihatkan kat kita.

By the end of the day, yang motivate diri kita ialah kita sendiri. Yang buat keputusan ialah kita sendiri. Yang rasa sakit, kita sendiri. Yang rasa happy, kita sendiri.

Zima just nak meluah sesuatu untuk kebaikan semua. Haa, Zima cakap macam ni pun mungkin ada orang cakap Zima ni bajet baik. And mungkin ada yang tengah menyampah dengan Zima sekarang. Satu je Zima nak cakap, Zima pun masih dalam proses nak mengubah diri. Nak perbetulkan yang silap. Nak perbaiki diri sendiri.

p/s: This is for myself. And maybe all of you. Bukan ditujukan kepada sesiapa, Zima tak ada pun gaduh dengan sesiapa. Tak ada pulak berkecil hati dengan sesiapa. Cuma nak cakap Zima ni bukanlah baik. Maaflah sekiranya ada terkasar bahasa atau tersinggung di mana mana.

InsyaAllah, we'll find our way

2011-12-05T22:00:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

So I've been thinking about my future lately. Few posts ago I've already mention about the future I've been thinking of. Did I?

First thing for sure, I don't want to further my studies in engineering. I've changed my mind. It's my choice and I'll stick to it. I'll take psychology instead. Some of my friends object to what I'm choosing, but this is my future I'm thinking of. Tell you what, even when you have a degree or masters in medic, that doesn't really ensure you be a doctor, right? But the fact that your chances towards being a doctor or any medical field jobs is high. My lecturer told me, "We can plan what we want to have, how we want it. Allah will decide by the end of the day. He knows. A friend of mine studying medic ended up being a tailor, and she succeeded in it. Our luck is in Allah's hand. So we just have to go on with life. But that doesn't mean that you don't have to work for something."

Bright thought he got there. I'll always keep that in mind. We just have to go on with life. That's how it should be. That is how it should go.

Second, I know this is kinda cheesy but yeah, I have a thought of getting married early. Why? I'll reason it. First, it's halal in Islam. Islam encourages we Muslims to get married early. But the thing is, money. Second, Islam encourages this sunnah to prevent adultery. I don't want to be one of the signs of the day of Judgement. And so do you, right? So I'm thinking of getting married early. Plus, it's never a bad thing. Azri and I have been long thinking about this, we just needed time to improve ourselves. We both need to learn few things in life, Islam especially. So yeah, getting married is one of my goals in the future. With him.

Why? I wanted to be the woman he'd tell himself, "She's the one that has brought me towards Islam. She's my wife. She guides me towards Islam. And I should do the same.". Now tell me, what kind of love will last? Islam, of course. I'm not saying that I'm a good enough person right now, I need to change myself, too. And that explains why we both needed to change first.

Third, it's the thing that I have to think after getting married but first of all, I want to continue my studies in psychology as I've told before. I'll just have to go on with life first. About this marriage thingy, let it be hold for a while. I still have time to think of that. InsyaAllah.

InsyaAllah, we'll find our way.

Strong, I guess?

2011-12-03T23:33:00.010+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

I've realized something; I haven't really got the chance to update my blog. I mean like, I didn't really have the mood to do some typing. Bored, actually.

So recently I've received a news from my father saying that we'll be moving out from Sarawak. To where? Bangi. Yes, the place where I've spent my high school years since 2005 til 2008. Not to mention the fact that I actually grew up in KL. Sad story, but it turns out to be unexpected as well when I was informed that I'll be moving to Sarawak by the end of 2008 back then.

Well, who would expect that by moving somewhere out of your usual place would be, how do I say it, wonderful. Lots of experience. The best part is, I get to be surrounded by my own people; Sarawakians. I love being surrounded by people who actually speak your language. Who wouldn't?

After almost three years living in Sarawak(even though mostly I lived there for about one year and a half because I continued studying here in KL but still), after all those happiness I've felt at my own hometown, Abah was told by his president at work to transfer here back in KL. My first impression on that was, "What? Not again?"

Abah went silent. He told me, "I didn't want to move out, too. We've felt peace living in our own place. The offer is either you take it or leave it.". Do you know what that means? It means that if Abah didn't accept the offer, he'd be fired from work. That's how it's like working. Hard, but worth it insyaAllah.

I struggled with myself at first. I wonder how can I handle everything. The fact that all the stuffs you had at home won't longer be there. I was told that there is about 80+ boxes to be carried to KL. How would you say that a little amount? Tell you what, moving isn't a fun thing. It's a tiring matter.

Some might wonder, what would happen to my Mr. Azri? I've told him about this. I did have trouble telling him in the first place, I didn't know where and how to start. We've had a row that time, which made it worst keeping things in mind. I was sensitive, I cried but only for one night. Thank Allah I was given strength to hold on.

Then we were okay. I told him the news and he seemed okay with it. Oh wait, I haven't told you yet that insyaAllah after three years of living in Bangi, I'll be moving back to Sarawak, again. How tiring is that? The good news is, #1, I get to live in Sarawak again. #2, I'll be living in Kuching! Awesome!

Back to Azri. He accepted the fact that we're both will be much further apart from each other. He told me, "What's the difference when before you're moving back to Bangi, you were already apart from me? You're living in Miri. I'm okay with it, I'm used to it. I'll get used to it. Nahh, I'm not leaving you anyway. Besides, you will be living here again. In Kuching.".

Talk about being comforted back, when all I could do was frowning over him being okay with this and all he said was, "Chill. We'll stay strong. We're happy even though we're apart. It's much better than being near and the probability for us to commit maksiat would be high, right? Way much better, I mean.". As long as he is okay, then I'll be okay. It's not that I'll be leaving him for someone else. It's not that he'll be leaving me for someone else, too. I trust him.

I was kinda excited actually about this moving out thingy. I don't know why? I remembered back then how hard it was for me to get over the fact that I've moved to Sarawak, leaving my friends behind. I've rebelled towards my parents, as for being a teen girl I tell. A stupid, immature teen girl. Tell you what, time sure heals everything. Every single thing that has been or will be on your mind. Sooner or later. Whether we like it or not. In every matter. Just one thing, stay strong. Allah listens.

Well, everything changed when we're in love, eh? That's how I could say it; love. Love hurts. This statement is subjective. Love hurts by distance. Love hurts by being unfaithful. Love hurts by trying to back off from loving someone else's. Love hurts by seeing someone happy. See? Love is a funny thing. Love is when you can relate everything to that one person and currently there's someone in your mind right now. No matter who they are. A cat, a human being. Or simply, a fictional character. Or an imaginary friend. Well, there is somebody, right?

Smile.

Smile, and go

2011-11-27T23:27:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Hello. It's me again, Zima. It's been a while since I last wrote for my blog. Well, as if there will be people who'll read this, eh? So the thing is, I've been thinking lately that since all that has happened to me last few months, I realized I get myself stronger. I know I should do and think rationally. Being with good friends, I have lots of 'em and I'm grateful for that. It's not that I'm saying that I only befriend with good people. You have to be with good people to know what's wrong with you. To know that even the good people experienced something bad. You know what I mean?

So yeah, I had problems with Azri, before we returned back as a couple(he claimed that we both never did breakup and I was kinda confused with that) 'cause he was flirting with girls, having an innocent girl waiting for him. I mean, there's 4. Minus 3. I know he's kinda good looking(which I hate to admit because I don't like him being all flattered) so he could just get any girls he wanted in the UiTM. Some friend in my Facebook friends list knows how he's like there while I looked more to like, how to say, stupid, cheated-on girl who knows nothing even though he did tell me what's going on over there. He told me that he didn't have the guts to lie to me, he wouldn't lie to me. I knew him too well to not to trust him.

Truth hurts when he said he fell in love with the girl. I accepted it, even though it's hard. But yes, he told me that he couldn't not have me in his life, he knows that despite all that was was going on that time, he know he'll need me. He needs me in his life. And why did I believe in that? I know him much better than not to trust the reason why he said all those hurtful things. I know he's just confused so I just let him do what he wants, living an enjoyable teenage life which turns out not so enjoyable after all.

This went on for few months, I can't remember exactly for how long. Well, you don't expect me to remember bad memories, eh? So things hit him quite hard that he finally realized everything I've told him before. I told him that one day he'll get tired of caring for people's feeling too much that there will be a time that he'll need only himself. That has pretty much hit him with a bang on the head. And the thing with falling in love with that girl is, he wasn't really in love after all. It was a mutual like-like feeling. Not more than that. I trusted him with this.

I told him also to not befriend with those who'll bring no benefit for him. And those who's not worth his time. Well, I can say that this hit him too. He was quite emotional one day that he actually cried over the phone after I has been asked to call him. He told me that he's tired with all those tantrums he's facing that time. But I could just smile(and cried along 'cause I couldn't just bear it hearing him cry over the phone) and said, "It's okay. I'm here."

I didn't expect by saying that would make him cry harder; he was feeling so guilty, I could hear it. I knew my patience was worth it. My friends told me to just move on from what's happening but only I knew why I couldn't let go of this boy I loved so much. I knew his past, how has he been back then before I know him and how could I just let go? I felt the responsibility for the people I love. I won't leave them behind broken, that's my thing. I never will. I don't care people around me said that I was blind in love, no, I know I'm not.

If really I was blind in love, then why did I do all those sacrifices? Why I didn't just leave him behind shattered, confused and stupid? I didn't leave him because I know, he has flaws. He's imperfect. He hurts me. He's all-that-negative-thing-you-can-say-about-typical-boys and yes, he's typical, I tell.

I loved him because I know he's ugly, inside out. He could be the most selfish person I've ever known. I loved his flaws. I accepted his pasts. I accepted his imperfections. I know that that will be a good reason to love and yes, I don't just love his appearances. I know he's good looking, but you know what, after all that he has done to me, how could I never be the typical I-hate-all-boys-they-are-all-the-same-cheating-liars girl? I could be but I never wanna be a person who's full of hatred over one boy and call all boys the same. But I just don't go to Facebook and post a hatred status even when I really wanted to do so. I wouldn't because how does it feels like when someone(especially the one you love) updated a status saying they hated you for loving you but they're just in-denials like most people do? I loved him, I'll never say bad things about him to everyone. Let me be the only person who knows how's he like. Good or bad.

Why did we even fall in love if all boys are the same? There sure will be something different with that boy you had, right? So yeah, I've brainwashed my own mind with talking and sharing thoughts with my good friend, Wawa, about this. She kept me strong. She gives me positive thinking. A very good friend, I could tell you. And she told me to never give up.

Azri was stupid back then, he ain't now. He made mistakes back then, he'll never do it again now. Regrets are mistakes that memories made, like what have Adele put in her lyrics to Someone Like You. He told me that he was so stupid he didn't realize that he already had me, the girl who'll love him no matter what happened, despite being hurt all the time during that time, the girl who has been strong just to keep him for life, knowing that Allah will keep us stronger by putting faith in Him. I wanna be the person who'll lead him to a better path of life and so does he, insyaAllah.

Few things I can tell about boys is that they're stupid because they're just confused. They just wanna have a happy teenage life, that's how they do it. That's how they live it. They do all that just to find who they really are. But they don't realize by doing so they would hurt us girls feelings. And we girls would just like, what do we call it, hoping for something that we think we wanna happen such as fairy tale. If you think that love is like a fairy tale, you're wrong. Love is something that came itself without being forced. If it stops, it was never meant to be happening. And one more thing, believe that Allah will give you love, constantly without stopping. He'll give you someone to love, when the right time has come.

There's no need to rush into things. Life just have to go on. That's how life works on everybody. If someone never did experience rough times, then that person don't deserve to live. About my relationship with Azri, I'll always follow what Abah told me, "If you truly love someone, bring him to Allah. Guide him to the right path. InsyaAllah it'll work." so that's what I'm doing. That's what we're both are working onto.

By the way, I myself aren't perfect, too. I make mistakes too. Never look at me as someone who thinks herself as the lucky one, as the one who has it all because deep down inside I'm no one. Never look at me as someone who think she's feeling all perfect. That will only make you think yourself perfect which goes against the fact that nobody's perfect.

Alhamdulillah.

This gotta be interesting

2011-10-28T21:36:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

♪♫ InsyaAllah by Maher Zain.

So as I scrolled down Tumblr I saw a (very) long survey I've decided to give it a play. I don't even read it til the end of it yet.

Talk about a very long survey.

Here we go!

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up.

- Solo by Iyaz, Our Time Now by Plain White T's, Two Is Better Than One by Boys Like Girls, Price Tag Acoustic Version by Jessie J., I'm Not Missing You by Stacie Orrico and Fly To Your Heart by Selena Gomez. Okay, that's odd.

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?

- Muhammad Azri Ismail. It has been six months and so. I really missed him though.

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.

- I Heart Paris. Wait, umm, '...my blog was great, but writing for Belle?...' ookaaayy. That's awkward seeing there's actually the word blog. Hmm I wonder.

4) What do you think about most?

- Foods. Azri. Studies. Honestly, Azri. Har har har har

5) What does your latest text message from someone else say?

- 'Dah. Cute! Hahahaahahah!' from Azri. Well I told him to take a look of my photo when I was umm, 9 or ten years of age. Hahaha

6) Do you sleep with or without clothes on?

- Bahaya kalau tidur tak pakai baju. Kannnn?

7) What's your strangest talent?

- Overthinking. Hahaha I mean it.

8) Girls.... (finish the sentence); Boys.... (finish the sentence)

- Girls are hard and unpredictable, emotional and too sensitive; Boys are rational, but most of the time, annoying and stupid and confused.

9) Ever had a poem or song written about you?

- Tak. Kot. Jap. Ada. Rasanya. Hahaha here it goes, 'I remembered what you wore on the first day, baju kurung putih tapeh(kain baju kurung) rona biruuu' by Azri. Does that count? Hahaha

10) When is the last time you played the air guitar?

- Pernah ke? Selalu. Jap, malam tadi. I missed my guitar though.

11) Do you have any strange phobias?

- Arachnophobia, most of us do, kan? And fear of sudut. I can't help it having a place expecially dlm restoran then kena duduk kat penjuru. I HATE IT.

12) Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?

- Such as? Crayon! Hahaha

13) What's your religion?

- I'm a Muslim! And I'm not a terrorist!

14) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?

- Driving. Well, sekarang ni la. Dulu, hmmm window shopping. Gila bosan!

15) Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?

- Tak faham. Serious tak faham. Hahaha behind la, most of the time.

16) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?

- Mayday Parade and All Time Low!

17) What was the last lie you told?

- It goes like this, I said,

"Sayang, tido jak lah sia."

"Kitak tido juak?"

"Aok."

The last part. Yes.

18) Do you believe in karma?

- No, I believe in Qada' and Qadar. Peace!

19) What does your URL mean?

- My Tumblr? Nobody knows but me! Hihihihi

20) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?

- Weakness: Waiting. Being sad. Strength: I don't know?

21) Who is your celebrity crush?

- Harry Styles! Alololo comel gila okay?

22) Have you ever gone skinny dipping?

- NO! Hahahaha masa kecil pernah la, I guess? Berenang tak berbaju, kan? Hahaha

23) How do you vent your anger?

- Sometimes. Hihihi at home, susah sikit nak bersabar. Kalau dengan Azri, Ya Allah, what happened to impatient Zima??!

24) Do you have a collection of anything?

- Novels. Seventeen magazines. CLEO magazines. Gelangs! Hehehe

25) Do you perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?

- OTP. Why? Sebab lebih mudah dan cepat daripada nak kena tunggu line betul betul bagus untuk bervideo call. =.=

26) Are you happy with the person you've become?

- Alhamdulillah, yes.

27) What's a sound you hate; sound you love?

- Orang yang makan berbunyi, tau tak? Yang becak semacam tu. OH SAYA PANTANG DENGAR ORANG MAKAN BECAK! Sound I love, Azri's voice. Hahaha. Surah surah yang dibacakan. And some musics I enjoyed.

28) What's your biggest "what if"?

- What if I failed in life?

29) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?

- Ghosts? Not really. Konon tak percaya tapi still jugak dengar cerita hantu and INTERESTED in it. Aliens? Who knows, kan? Tak mustahil ianya ada.

30) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.

- Right arm, air. Left arm, air too. Boring. Hahaha

31) Smell the air. What do you smell?

- Susah nak smell. Angin dari depan laju sangat; angin kipas. Hmm. Jap, you know this smell? This smelly smell that smells? Hahaha

32) What's the worst place you have ever been to?

- Jamban. Hahaha tapi entahlah, saya suka sangat pergi jamban, expecially masa zaman sekolah dulu.

33) Choose: East Coast or West Coast?

- SARAWAK! Hahaha

34) Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?

- The Script's vocalist, lupa pulak nama dia hmmm but you guys know him right?

35) To you, what is the meaning of life?

- Islam. Living Islam.

36) Define: Art.

- Something that's beautiful to eye of the person who viewed it as something they would call, amazing!

37) Do you believe in luck?

- Miracle, yes. Allah can make miracles happen. Luck? I'm not sure about this though.

38) What's the weather like right now?

- Hot. And sunny. Tapi malamnya sejuk. Then bila pagi pagi dalam pukul 10 macam tu dah panas dah. Hmm

39) What time is it?

- 1248 a.m.

40) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

- Okay this is gonna be funny, I guess? Yes, I can drive legally now. I've crashed the car on the left side before, on the back door of the car. Mama told me to not park my car in the basement parking but I didn't listen to what she said because I didn't hear she said so. Of course I was to blame. For not being careful. And tak menumpukan perhatian kepada Mama. SIGH.

41) What was the last book you read?

- I Heart Paris by Lindsey Kelk. Hmm, it sure has been a while since I last read a novel. I mean a book. Does it makes any difference?

42) Do you like the smell of gasoline?

- Sometimes I do. Hihihi

43) Do you have any nicknames?

- Zimot. Zima. Sayang (hihihi) and few others I can't remember. Hehehe

44) What was the last movie you saw?

- I can't remember. I've got hundreds of movies in my laptops, not to mention the ones in my hard disk yet. Hahaha

45) What's the worst injury you've ever had?

- Terseliuh je pun. Hahaha

46) Have you ever caught a butterfly?

- No. Actually, after about thirty minutes on answering forty-six questions, I was actually bored.

47) Do you have any obsessions right now?

- Azri. Always been. Bahaya ni. Hahaha. Jap, fikir lagi. Hmmmmmmm, foods?

48) What's your sexual orientation?

- Straight!

49) Ever had a rumor spread about you?

- Ya Allah, pernah. Form 4. People said that I was pregnant. Astaghfirullah.

50) Do you believe in magic?

- No. I don't think so. But it happens around us, right?

51) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?

- Not at all. That's just simply stupid la!

52) What is your astrological sign?

- Cancer the Crab! Hihihi

53) Do you save money or spend it?

- Most of the time, I'd just simply save it. UNLESS, the money was given when I was about to get out of the house.

54) What's the last thing you purchased?

- McDonald's? Oh wait! Petrol. -.-

55) Love or lust?

- Love. Lust won't last long. Trust me.

56) In a relationship?

- I guess so? And you can say so? I guess? I'm not in a relationship, I'm in love!

57) How many relationships have you had?

- Three. But I don't count the first two. I count the current one, hardest to forget.

58) Can you touch your nose with your tongue?

- No. UNLESS if I pulled my nose nearer to my tounge; using hands. Hahaha

59) Where were you yesterday?

- McDonald's and home. BORING.

60) Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?

- Plastik tong sampah? Cermin bunny saya? Johnsons Johnsons baby powder? Hahaha

61) Are you wearing socks right now?

- No. Cuaca panas lorr.

62) What's your favorite animal?

- Cats! Definitely cats!

63) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?

- Myself. Simply me. I have my own charms. And so do you. Hihihi

64) Where is your best friend?

- Tengah tidur berdengkur kat rumah dia laa. Hahaha

65) Spit or swallow?
- EW?

66) What is your heritage?

- Pusaka? Dakwah saya suatu hari nanti kot? InsyaAllah. :)

67) What were you doing last night at 12 AM?

- Jap. Tgh recall. Tinit tinit tinit tinit tinit tinit tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Tak dpt la.

68) What do you think is Satan's last name?

- Laknatullah.

69) Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?

- What is this? Tak faham. Huhu

70) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?

- Yes, I would befriend myself. Seriously. Hmmm forever alone lah kalo begitu. HAISHHH

71) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?
- Call out someone nearby from my car to help save the dog!

72) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?
- (a) I would tell people I'm dying. But not everyone, (b) do my thing as a Muslim, that's for sure, (c) I shouldn't be afraid. People would die eventually. Am I right?

73) You can only have one of these things: trust or love.

- I can make those two become one; both. Without love, there is no trust.

74) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?

- Azri's song. Only when I hear 'em while I'm happy. Kalau time tengah sedih then dengar jugak lagu dia, happy dan rancak macam mana pun bunyi lagu tu, I'll be sad.

75) What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?

- Not telling you. Let's just make it simple by doing this; ****. Done. Hihihi

76) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?

- Faith that the relationship will only last, if you bring it to the right path; Islam.

77) How can I win your heart?

- My heart sudah dimenangi oleh orang lain la my dear, too bad. You're too late! Hahaha

78) Can insanity bring on more creativity?

- Depends. How can you be insane without being creative? And how can you be creative without being insane?

79) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?

- To just go on with the flow of life. I mean it.

80) What size shoes do you where?

- 5 or 6. Tak pun 4. Banyak gila size! :O

81) What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

- May Allah always be with her.

82) What is your favorite word?

- So. I use it most of the time. Hahahaha :D

83) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word: heart.

- The heart-shape itself. My source of living. Azri. Hihihi :D

84) What is a saying you say a lot?

- Abah's saying, 'Get your priority right.'

85) What's the last song you listened to?

- Tied Together With A Smile by Taylor Swift.

86) Basic question: what's your favorite color/colors?

- White(I developed it 'cause I know it's Azri's fav color and I looked around, seeing white things and analyse them, it turns out to be beautiful color). But mostly all colors are beautiful. I tell you.

87) What is your current desktop picture?

- Gambar raya family Zima. The seven of us!

88) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?

- Self-destruct button. Hahahaha

89) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on?

- I don't know? Pelik gila soalan!

90) One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, they're just standing around your bed. What do you do?
- Wrap myself in tissue papers, too. Hahahaha :D

91) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?

- Hmmm, many would choose immortal, I guess? So I guess I'd pick the kind superpower. Hihihi

92) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
- Hanging out with Azri. *I'm missing him right now, I'm sorry if it's too cheesy.

93) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

- Only I know. Hahaha

94) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?

- Harry Styles. Even though he's like, what, sixteen? I don't care. WHOA

95) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

- Kuching. Seriously.

96) Do you have any relatives in jail?

- I'm not sure. I don't know.

97) Have you ever thrown up in the car?

- Masa about darjah empat, kalau tak silap. Masa tu holiday kat Langkawi. Hehehe

98) Ever been on a plane?

- What if I say yang Zima dah selalu sangat naik plane? Kalau boleh tak nak pun. UNLESS IF I WERE TO GO SOMEWHERE I'D REALLY WANNA GO.

99) If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?

- I'm a Muslim, and I am not a terrorist!

100) Give me your top 5 favorite blogs on Tumblr.

- Banyak sangat. Hmm

Okay, there you go! I wonder if anyone would wanna read this.

Nothing much here

2011-10-27T00:51:00.001+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

♪♫ Jersey by Mayday Parade.

One thing about this band; SUPERB. I love 'em. Entah? Suka gila! First song I've ever heard them sing was the cover for When I Grow Up originally sang by The Pussycat Dolls.

Okay, the thing is, I don't have any idea what to say.

Hmm.

♪♫ Haunted by Taylor Swift.

Still I have no idea of what to say. And why are you even here to read it?

I miss Azri. I miss Kuching.

I'm afraid of tomorrow; the fear you get of knowing that tomorrow is the day your result will come out. Your final examination result. Oh wait, I mean my final exam result. Oh wait again, it's today. TODAY.

Oh Allah.

Look how great love is

2011-10-23T01:27:00.003+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

I'm not gonna say anything much. I'm sharing you a video I watched on Youtube, I can't stop crying.

I mean like, seriously I can't stop crying. It was sooooo touching! Things started at minute 02:57. Oh my.

p/s : Not to mention the background song. A great 'catalyst' for crying.

Eksaited tapi cuak

2011-10-22T03:24:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

♪♫ Don't Let Me Go by The Click Five.

Okay, I just love that tune! You should listen to it. I'm repeating it all over again. I loved the messages in it. Note that I'll never change my blog's background song. NEVER. It was Enchanted by Taylor Swift.

If I can't have the pieces of Azri with me, I'll have our song instead. Well, it's not that he's gone from me. *despite the fact I am now worried 'cause he's not replying my text. Nahh, probably busy. Hmm...

So I've been downloading games. Yeah, games. I love games. Seriously. Those mind blowing games especially. My favourite. Hihi.

But then I remembered something, my final examination result. And that's the reason I'm updating my blog.

I wonder, how could it be. I can only pray for miracles to happen. If it will happen. Well, it will. InsyaAllah. Allah's willing.

While scrolling down Tumblr(and waiting for my download to finish), I counted the days left. I'll be back to KL on this 30th. For short-semester. And yes, I hate it.

Can I just skip the whole studying thingy and just get married instead? NO.

Oh well.

I thank Allah, for everything

2011-10-17T00:42:00.006+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

So something has been up my mind recently; what should I major in degree later?

There are eight fields of engineering choices(which I have to rate based on which I preferred best and the one(s) I highlight seems interesting to me) is;

B.Eng in Communications Engineering
B.Eng in Computer & Information Engineering
B.Eng in Mechatronics Engineering
B.Eng in Aerospace Engineering
B.Eng in Automotive Engineering
B.Eng in Manufacturing Engineering
B.Eng in Biochemical-Biotechnology Engineering
B.Eng in Materials Engineering

Seeing all these makes me think twice. Zima pernah terfikir nak tukar course, tak nak dah terdedah dengan Physics. Senang cakap tak nak dah terdedah dengan Sciences subjects. Hmm.

I have a thought on changing to Human Sciences instead of Engineering, since that I love psychology. Oh wait, I mean, interested. How can I love something without knowing it? Hihi. These are some of 'em. Hmm, only if I knew there were Human Sciences courses.

Bachelor of Human Sciences in Communication
Bachelor of Human Sciences in History & Civilization
Bachelor of Human Sciences in English Language and Literature
Bachelor of Human Sciences in Political Science
Bachelor of Human Sciences in Psychology
Bachelor of Human Sciences in Sociology & Anthropology

Tapi Zima fikir jugak, may ada hikmah Allah bagi Zima terpilih untuk menyambung belajar dalam bidang yang Zima pernah minat(tapi Zima minat sangat Chemical Engineering, too bad UIA tak tawarkan hmm). I should be grateful then. Alhamdulillah.

The thing is, kalau kita diberi peluang yang buat kita fikir,

"Aku rasa bertuah sebab Allah bagi aku sesuatu yang ramai lagi orang lain nak, tapi tak dapat."

then maksudnya kita patut bersyukur. Mama always says(yes, you know, a mother always says),

"You should be grateful. Among thousands of people who applied what you've got now, you're lucky to be chosen as one of them. And some might just couldn't afford to further their studies. Study. Remember what Abah always tell you, get your priority right, always."

And indeed, I should be grateful.

So as you, yes, the one who's reading this.

Weird. And lame?

2011-10-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

I'm hungry, again. Okay, setiap kali Zima post pun memang dah time tu Zima dah lapar. Suratan atau kebetulan? Hmmmmm.

I was wondering what food, er I mean what should I post here. Semangat tu ada, ceritanya tak ada. I wanna talk about him, tapi dah selalu sangat. No, bukan bosan tapi dah selalu sangat.

So I've decided to talk about him. Just a brief talk about him.

Here we go;

I miss him.

That's very brief, aite?

I wanna eat mee kolo lah! Too bad I heard Mama said there's none in Miri. Ada, tapi originally Chinese punya. The recipi was originally a Chinese cuisine but yeah, Malaysia, what do you expect? Here you can find those un-halal foods dihalalkan. In a good way, I mean.

Hmmmm.

Hmmm.

Hmm.

Bye.

Foods? Foods!

2011-10-13T13:25:00.001+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

The thing is; I'm hungry. I feel like driving out to McD drive-thru but the thing also is, I'm lazy. Just simply lazy. Oh forget it.

Sitting on this rotatable chair makes my butt sakit tulang. You know that tulang bontot? Haa sakit tau! I'm currently having my semester break. For a month ONLY. I used to have three month so this one feels weird to me. Childish? I am. Segala activity pun nak kena fikir kalau boleh masa tu jugak.

Siapa kata satu bulan tu lama? You pejam celik, pejam celik, tup tup dah satu bulan. Tak pun tak payah celik terus. Hmmmmmm.

The thing is(tak habis habis the thing is memandangkan tu je ayat English yang akan buat English kita power, to me la hihihi) I love foods. Tu je yang Zima nak cakap. So to me spending a month to eat foods won't be enough.

Despite the fact that I'll have a very high chance of putting on weight.

I was just thinking on putting a photo of foods here, well, photos from Tumblr, but then I don't think people there were hungry at this tme. Le sigh.

The thing is; I am always hungry.

Fresh!

2011-10-13T00:57:00.002+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

So I've done exporting my blog and let's just make it short, I have renewed my blog. So bila Zima dah export blog tu Zima import balik(I don't know why I'm doing a lot of work padahal boleh buat sekejap je hmm) and I chose several posts to be published; the 'I cried when you say it' stories. Wa lah!

So perasaan Zima bila dah renew benda ni, hmm let's just say, I was very excited to update blog. Benda baru lah katakan.

While Tumblring and tweeting and Facebooking I've decided to update blog.

The weather was fine, it was cold(susah nak jumpa suhu macam ni kat Miri but so far, alhamdulillah) and my fingers find it quite hard to type so this post won't be a long one, like I used to do. Just a simple update for a fresh not-that-new look on my blog!

p/s : I love you. *sempat

Forever and always, I know

2011-10-10T01:38:00.001+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

So I was thinking on renewing my blog. I mean like, I wanna delete all of my previous posts. Get a new picture for it and stuffs. Malas dah rasanya nak update blog. Zima bukannya ada apa sangat nak cerita pun dah.

Here's the thing.

I've learnt a lot of things from what I have been going on during semester three. Heartbreaks, mostly. Tapi kalau tak ada semua tu, Zima tak merasa disayangi sekarang. Yes, I've heard from people that they saw this, they heard that. Macam macam Zima dengar.

Tapi Zima buat tak endah even though sakit hati jugak la. So I preferred to hear from the subject himself about stuffs. Betul ke ini, betul ke itu. Dan kalau betul, mau tak mau Zima kena terima.

And Allah gave me the courage to be patient. Alhamdulillah.

I know he loved me. He can't not having me in his life, as what he told me. So I trusted him. Ada setengah orang(or should I say, my friends) tanya,

"Kenapa Zima nak biar je? Tak nak move on je?"

Dan segala typical questions you'd expect to hear. But what did I do then?

I just wait. And keep on waiting. You know you're in a situation where you're the only person who knows how to handle it? Sebab kalau kita dengar cakap orang tapi hati kita tak happy, kita menyesal, tak guna jugak. And sebab pada penghujungnya, the best motivator is ourself.

So long story short, boys are stupid human being. Not all la. They're cute creations, despite their stupidity. But I don't blame them for being stupid. Why?

Boys are the type who'll learn something through experiences. Girls, well, let's just say we love reading. Perempuan ni jenis yang suka nak percaya love quotes, hate quotes and all that.

Another long story short, he's mine back. Well, I can't say that he's mine fully. He's mine and always Allah's.

Berkat segala kesabaran Zima, Allah buat Zima rasa bersyukur. Zima belajar jadi seorang yang bersyukur, dari segala kesulitan yang Zima lalui. Zima belajar erti mencintai dalam kesakitan(a good experience), Zima belajar, harapan masih ada selagi kita bertahan kerana Allah sentiasa ada.

Yes, dengan semua tu Zima cuba mendekatkan diri kepada Allah. And there is no turning back, once you've done something good. Zima memang agak leka jugak dengan kehidupan dunia, solat ambil mudah. Mengumpat sini sana. Dan banyak lagilah dosa dosa, kerana Zima tahu Zima hamba yang lemah.

I'm not boasting. I'm just expressing my feeling of grateful. I am very grateful now.

Dear Muhammad Azri Ismail, despite all those scars you gave, you gave me the cure too. It hurts but I know you can be a better person. So I let you fail. And you did. You did great. I know Allah will show you something. I know you'll need me when you fall. And you know I'll always be with you when you fall.

Love, well I can't describe how love means to me. But it's a beautiful thing.

Allah sentiasa ada

2011-08-12T16:03:00.014+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

*sambil menyapu debu di dashboard blog*

Sebulan sudah Zima tak update blog. Okay, one thing I can tell you, never get yourself in a bad mood, you'll surely won't have the mood to update. Unless kalau kamu tu jenis yang suka nak marah marah, suka nak benci membenci di dalam blog.

Or should I say, meluah perasaan(tapi dengan cara yang salah).

I'm not saying that I'm a good person, no. I make mistakes like others, too. I had few mistakes, dan dalam banyak banyak mistake tu, Zima belajar sesuatu;

Allah sentiasa ada.

Zima selalu rasa kekurangan selama ni, mungkin sekarang baru Zima sedar, selama ni Zima tak 'berjumpa' pun dengan 'orang' yang sepatutnya kita cari. Zima leka. Dengan segala beban fikiran yang Zima ada, Zima cuba untuk bersabar. Zima tahu Zima mampu bersabar, semua orang mampu bersabar.

So that's what I did when I was unhappy back then; bersabar. Zima harus mengingatkan diri sendiri,

Allah sentiasa ada.

Peduli apa orang nak kata Zima ni bajet baik, suka nak buat diri nampak baik tapi niat yang ada, baik buruk pun niat Zima tu, Allah tahu. Allah nampak. Niat buruk(dan baik) korang sambil baca blog ni pun Allah tahu. Well, siapa tahu korang ada niat baik atau buruk, kan?

Zima akui, kelemahan Zima terletak pada mental, I was the type who'll think about a problem, over and over again. So my tendency to think negatively would be very high. I wasn't really a negative person, I can be positive, with a support from my friends. How? Find the right friends. Pick the good ones.

Tapi kawan yang baik susah nak cari. Kenapa? Sebab kita terlalu memilih. Asal nampak yang tu muka baik, jenis muka yang dengar cakap, jenis muka yang pandai jaga hati je, itulah yang dipilih. Tapi, Allah Maha Tahu baik buruk seseorang tu.

Kadang kadang Zima kurang suka bila orang distinguish orang yang baik dengan orang yang buruk. Allah bagi peluang setiap umat untuk berubah, sebab tu wujudnya taubat. Kalau orang yang jahat dibiarkan jahat, kita pun kira orang jahat sebab terlalu mementingkan diri. Ingat,

"Takkan nak pergi masjid solat jemaah sorang sorang tanpa mengajak orang lain? Takkan nak buat baik sorang sorang? Takkan nak masuk syurga sorang sorang? Bila nak buat benda jahat tahu pulak bawak orang lain. Kenapa? Sebab takut masuk neraka sorang sorang."

You know what, kawan yang baik boleh dijumpai berdekatan dengan kita je, cuma sendiri mau ingat saja lagi. Sendiri mau pandai nilai saja lagi.

Alhamdulillah, Zima dilahirkan dalam keluarga yang baik. Semua orang tahu berfikir. Semua orang tahu apa itu rasionaliti.

Mengenai blog Zima yang dah lama berdebu, okay, this I tell you, I was unhappy with my love life. Asyik nak fikir buruk je. Asyik nak menangis je. I know I should be strong.

Allah sentiasa ada.

Ada masanya Zima fikirkan perkara yang negatif tentang Azri. Ada masanya Zima benci dia. Kenapa? Sebab Zima terlalu banyak berfikir. Kadang kadang Zima tengok status status atau tweets dia, dia kelihatan happy. Dan kerana itu Zima fikir,

"Oh, bahagianya dia tanpa aku, tapi aku?"

But I remembered Mya told me,

"Zima, Zima pernah update status, update tweets yang berbentuk happy tapi masa tu Zima hanya faking smiles, pernah tak? Pernah kan?"

I said yes. Then she said again,

"Pernah terfikir tak, mana tahu di sebalik kegembiraan Azri tu, dia pun tengah bersedih? Takkan dia nak bagi kawan kawan dia nampak dia tak happy? Takkan dia nak bagi Zima nampak dia lemah? Zima nak tengok dia lemah? Nak tengok dia tak happy? Don't be selfish, Zima. Mya tahu Zima sekarang tengah rasa yang Zima tak happy, Azri pun kena tak happy macam Zima jugak. Macam Azri pun kena rasa macam apa Zima rasa jugak. Kalau dia happy, biarkan. Tak salah kalau dia nak bergembira. Zima ni, bila nak happy?"

I admit it, it was hard for me to be happy. Semua orang pun pernah rasa down tiba tiba. Same goes with me.

Memang ada masanya emosi Zima terpukul kerana ni. I received few inbox in my Facebook account saying that they saw Azri bla bla bla. But I knew something, if there's any explanations to be made, I should listen. And yes, I knew Azri too well, he did explain things.

I know I just can't stop myself from being protective of him, because he was once been a part of my life. Bukan senang nak lupakan seseorang yang kita sayang. Maybe he will always be a part of my life, well, who knows?

I know him better. Korang nak cakap dia tak boleh dipercayai, nak cakap dia playboy, cakap lah. I know him better. He told me,

"Even if I had someone new, that person could never replace you. Dia tak akan jadi macam Zima yang saya kenal. Hazimah Nooruddin yang saya tahu. Hazimah Nooruddin yang saya sayang. No one will ever be better than you. You're perfect to me, you're kind, you're patient. I have many reasons why I loved you but I can't define it. I just do. Awak tahu tak, susah nak cari orang macam awak. Susah nak cari pengganti macam awak. Saya ada satu perasaan yang sangat kuat, by the end of the day, saya akan tetap perlukan awak dalam hidup saya. Kenapa? Sebab awak mampu menjadi pendorong untuk saya berubah. Awak mampu menjadi calon isteri yang baik untuk saya. Saya tahu awak akan mampu untuk membimbing saya. Saya tahu awak akan mampu untuk mendidik saya. Biarlah ada perempuan lain yang cantik, cantik lagi akhlak yang awak ada. Awak tahu tak, saya takut kehilangan awak. Saya takut sebab saya tahu saya perlu awak. Saya akui, memang saya sayang awak. Sayang sangat sangat. Saya tak nak la meletakkan harapan yang tinggi untuk bersama awak suatu hari nanti tapi saya memang nak sangat awak ada dalam hidup saya. Awak ada bila saya susah. Awak ada bila saya perlukan awak. Awak ada bila saya happy. Maafkan saya bila selama ni saya bertindak mementingkan diri sendiri. Maafkan saya bila selama ni saya selalu sakitkan hati awak. Awak tengok, awak mampu dengar semua ni, sebab saya tahu awak akan dengar. Saya tahu awak seorang yang sangat penyabar. But I'm unlike you, saya sangat lah panas baran. Kadang kadang saya rasa saya tak layak untuk awak. Kenapa awak baik sangat kat saya? Saya tau, awak akan jawab sebab awak sayang saya. Saya tahu. And you know something, nobody did care for me as much as you do. Awak care sangat sangat, macam mak dah bagi saya. Awak jaga saya, sebaik mungkin. Thanks sebab care pasal saya macam tu sekali. Dan maafkan saya sekali lagi sebab selalu buat awak risau. Awak selalu faham saya. Awak banyak sangat memahami. Dan awak jugak lah yang terima kekurangan saya, baik buruk saya. Tapi saya rasa macam saya ni tak ada yang baik, semuanya buruk. Biarlah baik buruk awak, saya yang tahu. Saya hormat awak, I can't help it because you're a great girl I've ever known. I love you, Zima."

Please note that he did tell me all of that. Zima masih ingat lagi. Dan pada penghujung luahan perasaan dia tu, Azri menangis. I repeat, menangis. I was crying at that time too. Bila dengar dia menangis, lagi la. Tidak ada terlintas pun dalam fikiran Zima nak tunjuk sesuatu yang tak sepatutnya. I just wanna show how he is. Macam mana Azri yang Zima kenal.

Yes, itulah Azri yang Zima kenal. Lelaki yang Zima jumpa, yang terlalu sayangkan Zima. I never felt loved so much like he does.

Okay, agak keterlaluan di situ tapi tu lah, harap korang mengerti.

Bukan senang Zima nak dengar dia cakap semua tu, even though semua tu over the phone saja. Tapi Zima sorang je yang tahu, Zima sorang je yang dapat rasa keikhlasan Azri bila dia cakap semua tu. I know him better.

Lepas ni apa yang hendak berlaku, Zima harus biarkan ia berlaku. Baik buruk pun sesuatu itu. Kita kena ingat, kalau kita banyak bersabar, insyaAllah, Allah akan bagi kita sesuatu yang tidak disangkakan. Biarlah Zima sakit ke, apa ke, ini hidup Zima.

By the end of the day, orang yang akan menyelesaikan masalah ialah Zima sendiri. Setakat ini Zima happy, biarkan Zima happy. Allah dah bagi Zima peluang untuk happy, biarpun untuk sementara. Zima tahu Azri mampu berubah. Zima tahu one day Allah akan dengar doa Zima untuk Azri. Tak pernah terlintas pun di fikiran Zima untuk mendoakan yang buruk untuk dia.

I will always pray you the best in everything, my dear. Allah knows how much I loved you. Allah knows how much I cared. I knows what lies in my mind when I think of you, what I want for you, what I need from you. I need you to be strong, I need you to be happy, I need you to never forget Allah will always listen to you. Don't forget Allah.

Alhamdulillah, Zima masih okay dengan dia. Zima masih contact dia, dia pun masih contact Zima. We're still talking on the phone every night. Haha. Nothing changed much really, the fact that we both still love each other, yes. We did still love each other.

And yes, I do love you. Always.

Survey memang best

2011-05-08T15:52:00.017+08:00

Assalamualaikum.

Zima tengah bosan seperti biasa so Zima decide nak jawab soalan survey la. Hihihi *big grin*

Survey ni pasal boyfriend. Saya suka survey macam ni. Hihi.

So here we go!

*ahem*

What is his name?

Tak nak la cakap. Nanti semua orang cari dia dlm Fesbuk. Hahaha. Kidding, Muhammad Azri Ismail.

How old is he?
Tua daripada saya, dia sembilan belas. Saya tak lama lagi masuk sembilan belas. Bulan enam nnt saya masuk sembilan belas. So tu maknanya dia tua sikit dr saya. Hehehehe

Where does he live?
Kuching. Kg. Sg. Bedil. Nak tau number rumah and lorong jugak ke? Haha

How old are you?
Kan saya dah cakap tadi? Eshhh babo ye awak ni? *babo means pelupa

Where do you live?
Miri. Pujut. Nak tau number rumah and lorong jugak ke? Hehehehe

When did you first meet each other?
28th of March 2009. Stadium Perpaduan Kuching. Hihihih

What did you think of him when you first saw him?
Eshhh budak ni comel lah! Dah la pakai songkok. Nampak baik je. Tapi mustahil la dia nak kacau aku. Dah la handsome cute cute je muka. SIGH

When did you hook up?
4th of April 2009. Masa tu dia call time before tidur. Dia mengantuk. Tapi nasib baik masa dia mintak couple tu, dia dalam keadaan sedar. Hahaha

Is he in the military?
Muka dia nak bersukan? Apatah lagi nak join military. Hahaha nasib baik tak dapat PLKN.

Is it a long distance relationship?
Yes. Huhuhu.

How many times do you talk to him in a week?
How many times? Setiap malam, before tidur. So basically he's my lullaby. Tapi depends jugak, ada masanya call hanya untuk cakap, "Saya nak tidur". Hehehe

How many times do you see him in a week?
Perlu ke tanya soalan mcm ni? Huhuhuuhu

What do you love more his hugs or his kisses?
Apa ni? Apa ni? Haha

Does he play any sports?
Kan saya cakap, muka dia tu nak bersukan? Tapi nasib baik dia pandai main badminton. Hahaha. Tapi tu tak bermaksud dia tak pandai main bola sepak. Haha

What is his favorite food?
Ayam penyet. Eh jap, nasi mentega ayam penyet kat Lot 1. Aww aww sedap! My recommendation pulak tu. Tak sangka dia suka. Favourite pulak tu. Aww aww ♥

What is his favorite take out place?
Sepering. Hahahaha nehhh, jalan jalan around town dalam kereta. Drift on the road. Seksa tau duduk sebelah dia dalam kereta. Hahaha

Have you guys ever kissed outside at night?
Apa ni? Apa ni? Apa ni? Haha

Have you ever slept together (naps included)?
Naps? Yes. Tidur bersama yang atas katil tak. Gila hape? Singgah tepi jalan sebab dia penat, ye. So saya pun masa tu menghabiskan air minuman yang dibeli sambil mendengar dia berdengkur. Okay, semua ni tipu je. Tak pernah pun. Hahaha

Have you ever danced?
Danced? He did. Saya tak pernah dance depan dia, berlari lari buat muka pernah la. Kira dance jugak ke?

Does he have any tattoos or peircings? If so, where?
None. Kalau dia buat semua tu, memanggggggg siap laahhh. Hahaha

Has he ever....

Tickled/ made you laugh till you either peed, farted, or collapse?
Made me laugh sampai kentut tu, pernah. Over the phone dan dia dgr saya kentut. Malu? Nak buat mcm mana. Hahaha. Geletek saya? Saya tak akan suruh sesiapa pegang part part yang akan buat saya geli, not even him. Tapi pernah la, kat lutut. Hahaha cuma tak la sampai tahap terkencing dalam seluar.

Kissed your stomach?
Kissed my stomach? MasyaAllah. Hahaha tak pernah

Kissed your neck?
Apa ni? Apa ni? Apa ni? Haha

Kissed your forehead?
Majlis membatalkan air sembahyang nnt masa kawen ye. Hahaha

Done anything spontanious?
Spontanious? Pernah. Kentut dalam kereta kemudian lock tingkap. Maka terdiamlah kami berdua. Tapi nasib baik kentut tu tak berbau. Hahaha. Jap, ini kira spontanious ke?

Cheated on you?
Yes. Dia tipu dia cakap dia balik awal. Tapi dia balik pukul 4. Kemudian dia ada cakap dia berniat nak tipu saya, dia kira nak cakap dia dah ada kat rumah pukul 2, tapi dia tak sampai hati. Masa tu dia tgh syok tengok movie kat rumah kawan dia. Tapi saya tak kisah pun sbb kira okay lah dia berani ckp niat asal dia nak tipu saya tu. Hahaha

There! To Azri, hope you'll enjoy. I know you know something. Hehehehehehe *big grin* and sorry kalau gelak banyak sangat, rasa macam nak gelak je masa jawab survey ni. Hihi

Gonna miss this one

2011-04-04T17:49:00.006+08:00

Cepat masa berlalu, kan? Sekarang dah masuk bulan April and the best part is, today's date is 4th of April! *big grin*

So that means two years of me being in love and heartbreak together with Muhammad Azri Ismail. *another big grin*

I'm speechless. I couldn't say anything much.

BUT! Zima tahu, Zima bersyukur sebab tak sangka dapat bertahan sampai selama ini. Thank you, Allah. So, I've made a video yesterday with two of my beloved cousins; Yana and Zaza.

We took photos together, laugh together 'til something came up my mind; an anniversary video!

So Zima pun mintak tolong Yana ambilkan video tu untuk Zima. Zima ni nak standard sikit so Zima guna DSLR kitorang untuk ambil video tu.

I thought of just a having a video straight form the beginning to the end but, I keep on laughing and making several mistakes while I was speech-ing. So, video tu ada beberapa part. Tapi tak panjang pun. Hihi.

So yeah, I've edited it and now, I mean currently I'm waiting for the video to be fully uploaded to my Facebook.

That's all from me!

p/s: Excited! Can't wait for him to watch it!

I cried when you say it (Part 10)

2010-11-28T01:33:00.008+08:00

I was blogwalking till I found THIS, a post from Zaza's blog. I liked it so much, a cute and touching story. Hehe. Well, basically, reading this reminds me of him. Not really him, it reminds me of a photo taken when I was little, about seven years old, which was now being kept by him. He loved that photo very much I myself couldn't tell you how he's like when he stared at it. At first I don't want to give it to him; I looked rather young back then (which I was. Haha) and funny.

I remembered that time when I lose two front teeth. Both my rabbit teeth. So that means whenever I smile, my little brother at that time, Aiman will surely laugh. AWHHH, nostalgia. Too bad I didn't have the real photo with me.

Back to Azri, well, better Zima cakap bahasa Melayu. Kasi nampak dramatic sikit, kan? Haha. So, seperti apa yang Zima ada bagi tau, Azri suka gila gambar tu sampaikan dia fall in love dengan little Zima. Haha. He said one day while we're on the phone,

"Sayang, saya suka gila gambar sayang masa sayang masih kecil. Comel sangat! GRRRR geram!"

Zima gelak je dengar dia cakap macam tu. Zima tau masa tu dia tengah tatap little Zima kepunyaan dia tu. Haha. And he said again,

"Sayang nak tau tak, kalau kita kahwin nanti, harap anak kita muka dia macam ni kan? Mesti comel. Anak perempuan kita. HEHEHE"

Zima terdiam. Malu sebenarnya dia cakap macam tu. Too bad, as usual, I cried a little. Haha. Dan pada masa yang sama Zima terharu. Zima tak tau nak kata apa cuma,

"Haha. Awak ni!"

I was seriously touched by his thoughts about little Zima. Seriously. Thanks dear, I didn't expect you to like that photo of mine. Haha. You see down here? Alaa gambar yang paling depan tu. Gambar di bawah dihantar kepada Zima pada suatu hari di mana caption gambar si penghantarnya (Azri) berbunyi begini,

"Eeeee! Comel kan muka sayang? By the way, gambar ni saya baru ambil tadi. Ni kat atas meja study. Saje nak tunjuk sayang. Hehe *smiley menjelirkan lidah*"

Tu ha, yang tak pakai tudung tu. HAHA

p/s : Credit to Zaza for accidentally giving me idea :)

I cried when you say it (Part 9)

2010-08-06T18:20:00.008+08:00

I posted a status on Facebook recently, I think a few minutes ago saying that I'm in love with the same person for several times. Yes, indeed. I love Azri. Being far away was hard to me but why not give it a try? He told me last night,

"You're the first person I ever loved for one year and four months. I never loved someone this long. Not 'till I found you. I love you."

Seriously, I cried. I said sorry for being sensitive, I just wanna cry. So I cried. But before I even started my first cry during our conversations, I didn't tell him I'm feeling sad. Then I cried. Without thinking that he knows I'm crying. He asked me in a caring manner which makes my heart fly,

"Sayang, are you crying? Oh, why are you crying? Why? Hmm?"

"I'm touched by everything you were saying. I love you."

"I love you too. Don't cry, okay?"

"Okay."

But yes, I cried and cried. I loved him. So much. Very much. We talked on everything, about what would happen to me if I lost him one day. What if he's not around in this world anymore? I remembered the post with the same title as this post and thought of bringing it up in our conversation. It was about the time he lied to me about his health, saying that he only have few months to live. And I cried for I was thinking it was going to be serious. That I'm going to lose him. We talked about this and he said,

"I never thought of it might hurt you that way. I was just joking. I would love to see your response and it seems to me that you take it as a serious matter. You were really worried back then. I love it when you're worried like that. I know that you love me."

He smiled. I know that. And I remembered when he said,

"If I were not around anymore, please, please don't change your relationship status on Facebook. I might not be around but our relationship will stay forever. Only if you find a new love, it's up to you to change your status, but I hope that will never happen. I love you. Please, I love you."

I couldn't say a thing for I was crying at that time. I was touched by what he's saying that time. I realised he loved me so badly that he dare to say so. Sayang, if you're not around anymore, I'll still remember you as the best part of my life. The best ever. I love you, so much.

I cried when you say it (Part 8)

2010-05-19T22:58:00.004+08:00

Jalan jalan dengan Azri lagi. Kali ini, no pictures even though hari ini hari last Zima keluar dengan dia sebelum keberangkatan Zima ke KL. Haiyak, sedih! Kitorang jalan jalan sekitar Kuching. Lunch time, kitorang makan makanan yang Zima makan minggu lepas. Dia makan jugak benda yang sama. Haa, tau sedap. Hehe. So later Zima decide nak jalan jalan lagi daripada window shopping. He's my driver. Hee. Zima pegang tangan dia then dia cakap,

"Nanti tak ada lagi tangan lembut awak ni pegang tangan saya, kan? Tak dapat lagi saya nak genggam tangan awak macam ni."

Dia genggam tangan Zima. Zima senyum, diam. Zima letak kepala Zima kat bahu dia and Azri letak kepala dia atas kepala Zima. Tenang je rasa masa tu. Then dia pegang muka Zima perlahan lahan. He said,

"Tuan punya muka ni lah yang saya sayang. Sayang sangat sangat. Nanti dia nak pergi jauh dah. Mesti saya rindu awak nanti."

"Hmm, tu lah."

"Sayang, kenapa ni?"

"Saya okay."

"Sayang, jangan nangis. Saya ada ni lah."

"Ya, saya tau."

Masa tu Zima tak fikir tentang benda lain selain Zima dan dia. Bahagia sangat. Sepanjang jalan Zima tengok muka dia. Tak tengok depan sangat pun. Zima main rambut dia. Zima tengok dia. Lama Zima perhatikan dia plus sepanjang jalan tu lah Azri tersangat lah bising. Iklan iklan yang bermain di radio pun Azri ikut jugak. Haih. Dia cakap,

"Nanti tak ada lagi awak main rambut saya macam ni. Awak pegang lah puas puas kay?"

Zima genggam rambut dia. Kenapalah Azri ni baik sangat dengan Zima? Azri perasan Zima diam then dia toleh,

"Sayang, jangan nangis. Saya ada ni."

Boleh dikatakan benda yang dia cakap kat Zima, semuanya buat Zima menangis. Haa, kena sangat la dengan tajuk blog. Haha. Tapi Zima tau, sementara dapat keluar, dapat spend time dengan Azri, Zima tak nak sedih sedih. Zima cakap kat dia,

"Sayang, awak saya yang punya, kan?"

"Ya, awak pun saya yang punya jugak."

"Hmm.."

"Sejuk hati saya dengar awak cakap macam tu tadi. Happy je rasa."

"Saya sayang awak. Sayang jangan tinggalkan saya."

"Ya, saya tak tinggalkan sayang. Mustahil."

Zima? Menangis lagi, of course. Tapi Zima tahan. Ayat yang selalu keluar dari mulut Azri,

"Sayang, kenapa ni? Jangan menangis. Saya ada ni."

Dia hantar Zima balik. Dia juga lah yang ambil Zima. Sepanjang hari, Azri, Azri, Azri. Malam dia call, macam biasa lah kan. Dia cakap,

"Satu je yang penting."

"Apa dia?"

"Awak tu saya punya. Awak tak boleh tinggalkan saya."

"Ya, saya awak punya."

"You're mine."

"I'm yours."

"I'm yours, too."

"You're mine, too."

Kitorang gelak. Zima ingat dia ada call tak lama lepas dia hantar Zima balik. Dia cakap,

"Sayang, saya rindu awak. Saya tengok tempat duduk sebelah saya kosong dan saya fikir, 'Oh, sayang saya dah balik.' Saya rasa macam nak menangis."

He cried. Really, he cried because of me. Zima cakap,

"Sayang, saya rindu awak jugak. Saya ada ni."

Then dia stop tepi jalan sebab masa tu dia tengah driving. Zima tak tahan dengar dia menangis. Sedih sangat. Bukan senang nak dengar dia menangis. Lagi lagi sebab Zima. I cried, too. Azri hanya mampu cakap,

"Saya sayang awak. Saya rindu awak."

Zima tak dapat nak cakap apa apa. Sedih sangat. Sayang, I missed you, too. Missed you a lot. I always do.

I swear to Allah, I love you too :'(

I cried when you say it (Part 7)

2010-05-17T13:07:00.005+08:00

Cerita punya cerita, borak punya borak, sampai la Zima tertengok kalendar dalam phone. Zima tengok, "Alamak, lagi tinggal tiga hari nak pergi KL." Zima terdiam sejenak sementara orang yang di line sebelah bercakap. Zima dengar apa yang dia cakap tapi tak ingat la pasal apa. Hehe. Zima pun pasang earphone kan, sebab tu sempat tengok kalendar. I think I heard myself sighing at that time. Lemah rasanya mengenangkan Zima akan pergi jauh. Zima cakap kat Azri,

"Sayang, dah tinggal tiga hari je lagi sebelum saya berangkat. Huu."

"Oh ya ke? Cepatnya masa berlalu. Hmm.."

Cepat kan? Cepat sangat! Tak sedar pun hari ni dah tujuh belas Mei. Haiyak. So borak lagi dan borak lagi sampai la Zima cakap Zima sedih nak kena pergi. Azri pulak lepas tu cakap,

"Saya sama jugak, sayang. Saya sedih jugak. Sedih sangat. Saya nak cakap dengan sayang yang saya sedih tapi saya fikir, sayang tak perlu tau kalau saya sedih ke tak. Biar saya tanggung sendiri."

"Tapi.."

"Tak apa sayang, biar saya tanggung kesedihan tu nanti. Saya tak nak awak tau yang saya sedih. Saya tak nak awak sedih jugak kalau tau saya sedih. Biar saya yang tanggung sendiri, okay?"

Zima terharu yang teramat sangat dengar dia cakap macam tu. Air mata bergenang tapi Zima kawal daripada keluar. Sebabnya? Zima tak nak dia tau yang Zima sedih. Biar Zima sendiri yang tanggung. Azri, I'm so lucky to have you. Seriously, very lucky. I love you. Zima ingat dia ada cakap,

"Kalau orang lain boleh kekal, kenapa kita tak boleh? Kita try la pertahankan realtionship kita ni, kay? Plus awak tengok Mama awak dengan Abah awak, dari form four kan? haa. Dia orang boleh je? Trust me, kay sayang?"

Okay sayang, I trust you lah!

I cried when you say it (Part 6)

2010-05-06T21:32:00.004+08:00

Ya, I know. Crying is bad for your health. Bad! But I can't resist the feeling. Crying makes you feel sleepy after all the hard work; crying. Haha. Tapi menangis best, kan? Petang tadi Zima jumpa Azri. Macam biasa la, every week. We talked and talked and talked sampai la Azri diam. Kemudian dia cakap,

"Nanti tak ada lagi saya menjejakkan kaki ke tempat awak ni. Tak ada lagi saya jumpa awak setiap minggu time petang macam ni. Tak ada lagi saya tengok muka awak. Mata awak. Pipi awak. Hidung awak. Bibir awak. Saya tak akan dapat jumpa awak lagi."

Zima rasa sakit sangat masa Zima dengar dia cakap semua tu. Zima mengeluh then tengok dia. He stared at me for a very long moment. Lawan mata lah katakan. Tapi Zima kalah sebab dia tanya,

"Sayang, sayang nangis ke?"

Zima diam. Zima tengok dia.

"Sayang, jangan nangis."

"Saya sedih."

"Kenapa awak sedih?"

"Saya sedih dengar awak cakap semua tu tadi."

Zima pegang muka dia. Zima pegang mata dia. Hidung dia, rambut dia. Zima genggam muka dia dalam kedua tapak tangan Zima. Zima cakap,

"Nanti saya tak dapat pegang muka awak macam ni lagi."

I cried. Tapi Azri hanya mampu cakap,

"Sayang, jangan nangis."

Zima angguk kepala perlahan. Lega lah sikit tapi bila Zima tengok balik muka dia, Zima nangis lagi. Azri pandang Zima lama lama, tak berkelip mata pun. Zima nampak dalam mata dia seolah olah berkata kata, "Sayang, jangan nangis. Saya ada ni." dan itulah apa yang dia cakap lepas tu. Zima angguk kepala lagi. Tak tengok muka dia pun.

"Sayang, dah la. Jangan nangis lagi. Awak ni, cengeng la!"

Zima senyum. Dia cakap lagi,

"Lap air mata sayang tu, kay?"

Zima fikir, 'Hai orang tua! Aku perlukan jari kau untuk lap semua air mata aku ni. Please do it for me. Please!' tapi dia diam je tengok Zima. Risau, kot? Zima tengok dia , dia senyum tapi Zima tau dia risau sebab I can see it through his eyes, his beautiful eyes. Time flies by, he asked me,

"Sayang perlukan bahu seseorang kan? Ambillah bahu saya ni."

Zima nangis sepuas puas hati sebab dia tau perasaan Zima. Dia ada baca blog Zima yang sebelum ni. Dia tau Zima perlukan dia. Dia tau Zima sakit hati, sakit perasaan.

"Sayang menangis la puas puas, kay?"

Zima geleng kepala. Dia senyum. Itulah cara dia nak suruh Zima berhenti menangis. Zima cakap,

"Sayang, jangan tinggalkan saya, kay?"

"Ya sayang, saya ada ni. Saya tak tinggalkan awak. Dah, lap air mata tu."

Zima lap air mata. Zima rasa macam budak budak sebab dia gelak tengok cara Zima lap air mata. I laughed, too. Azri, if you read this, I just want you to know, I was grateful to have you to understand me, love me, care about me. I love you. I'm irrevocably in love with you.

Zima fikir, "Azri ni seorang yang tabah sebab dia masih mampu senyum dan cakap 'Sayang, jangan nangis lagi'. Dia seorang yang kuat sebab dia tak bagitau kawan dia hal Zima sambung belajar ni (Ada lah kawan dia, seorang je. Fahmi. Hehe.) sebab dia tau kalau dia ceritakan kat kawan kawan dia pun, things won't change." Three powerful words, I LOVE YOU.

I cried when you say it (Part 5)

2010-04-13T12:41:00.006+08:00

Okay, hal ini berlaku malam tadi. Tapi topiknya ada sedikit sama seperti part 2. Hehe. We were talking about something I can't recall. Tapi Zima ingat Zima ada merajuk la. Haha. The conversations goes like this,

"Hmm. Tak apa la, orang tu tak nak layan kita, kan?"

He laughed and said,

"Mulalah dia tu. Malas la nak layan."

"Tengok! Tak nak layan pun. Huhh!"

"Haha. Cucuk mata tu baru tau."

"Nak cucuk mata? Esh cucuk la. Nanti saya buta. Tak apa."

"Really? Sure? Tak menyesal?"

"Tak. Sure la ni. Takkan menyesal punya. Haha."

"OK. Haha."

"Orang tu nak sangat kita ni buta kan. Like you care."

"Haha. Whatever."

"Dah kita buta nanti, awak nak harap saya cakap 'when you look me in the eyes and tell me that you love me' pun dah tak guna. Awak nak nyanyi lagu Beautiful Eyes pun dah tak ada feel, betul tak?"

Dan pada masa itulah Azri menyanyikan kedua dua lagu tersebut. I don't know why but I cried. Haha. Macam real la yang Zima ni buta. Then Azri stop lepas tu dia cakap,

"Esh, jangan fikir macam tu la."

"Lepas tu saya tak boleh nak tengok awak senyum."

"Sayang.."

"Saya tak nampak rambut awak panjang ke tak. Saya cuma dapat pegang je."

"Sayang, enough."

"Saya tak dapat tengok apa yang awak pakai. Saya tak dapat nak comment pakaian awak dan cakap 'Sayang, awak nampak hebat hari ni!'."

"Aieehh, dah la. Jangan fikir macam tu lagi."

"Kenapa?"

"Tak ada apa apa."

"Kenapa? Kenapa?"

"Awak ni pelik la! Mestilah saya sedih. Dah la kay? Saya ada ni dan awak tu tak buta. Haa."

"Haha. Memang la saya tak buta. Awak ingat saya buta? Hmm lepas tu...."

Zima belum sempat habis cakap dia dah potong, cakap,

"Tengok tu! Tak habis lagi. Haha."

"Haha. Okay."

Zima ingat Zima nangis time Zima cakap yang Zima tak dapat nak comment apa yang dia pakai tu. Haha. Silly me. Tapi seriously, siapa tak sedih kalau betul jadi macam tu, kan?

I cried when you say it (Part 4)

2010-04-04T06:55:00.010+08:00

Pernah la satu masa ni, macam biasa la. Kebanyakan waktu yang Zima luahkan untuk berborak dengan dia ialah time bergayut. Haha. Berjam jam berborak. Tak pernah bosan even though selalu sangat bergayut. Even though tak berkata apa apa sepanjang bergayut. I remembered we talked about death. Then Azri suddenly tanya Zima,

"Sayang, kalau saya tak ada nanti, awak ambil semua barang yang awak bagi saya tau."

"Esh sayang! Kenapa cakap macam tu?"

"Tak ada la, mana tau kan. Kalau saya dah tak ada lagi kat dunia ni, awak ambil barang saya yang awak kasi tu tau. Empat cincin dan rantai rantai yang awak kasi."

"Err okay sayang."

"Lepas tu baju baju saya, nanti akan saya serahkan kat Fahmi."

"Ha? Okay. Haha."

"Then seluar pun bagi kat Fahmi."

"Then?"

"Saya suruh Fahmi jaga awak kalau saya tak ada nanti."

"What?"

"Saya nak Fahmi yang jaga awak. Sebab dia sama sangat macam saya."

Zima dah bergenang air mata masa dia cakap macam ni. As if betul yang Azri akan tinggalkan Zima forever.

"Sayang, saya tak nak!"

"Tapi Fahmi sama macam saya. Perangai pun nak dekat lebih kurang."

"Walaupun perangai lebih kurang, that won't change the fact yang dia Fahmi, bukan Azri."

Zima fikir, 'Sampai hati dia main passing girlfriend kat bestfriend dia macam tu je. Bengong la sayang aku ni. Haha.'

"Okay la, sayang tak nak dia kan. Hmm. Hope awak cari orang yang dapat jaga awak, jauh lebih bagus dari saya jaga awak."

"Okay."

"Tapi cuma satu je, awak jangan lupakan saya tau."

"Tak akan! Mustahil. Kalau orang yang kita sayang pergi, mustahil saya lupa."

Zima nangis. I just remembered I cried. The rest of this story I've forgotten. Hehe. I love you, Muhammad Azri Ismail.

I love 4th of April

2010-04-04T06:14:00.008+08:00

I didn't expect it to go this far. I don't say that it's a bad thing, it IS a good damn thing. I'm telling you people, I'm a bit proud of myself. So here's some things I want to say to you my dear Azri, for the whole one year we've been together as a loving couple.

Thanks because :

You always try to make me happy even though I'm not. I kinda sick of your laughter that's the exact reason I laughed. Haha.
You loved me the way you do. I never ever been loved this way before. I appreciate it so much.
You're always with me through thick and thin.
You always stay up late just to talk to me on the phone for hours. And
You don't really care a single bit of zits on your face later on.
You're always willing to make me smile even though you know I might not smile at all.
You know what's best for me.
You know how to make me cry happily for your affection to me.
You said I am the better than the best for you and will not look for someone else. Even if you do, I hope you got someone better than me.
You say I'm beautiful when I actually looked like a mess.
You know how to fight fair when we're not okay.
You make me love you.
You always take care of me.
You understand me.
You love me the way I am. You care for my attitude not my appearance.
You make the best of me.
You never forget me.
You knows when I cried and tries everything to cheer me up no matter what.
You never bored with me.

The best of all, THANKS for everything. But also, I am not the perfect person you might say I am sayang. So here's I want to tell, too.

I'm sorry that :

I ever made you cry. I know you did several times. I love you :')
I made you hate me once and that will never ever happen to us again.
I made you spoke harshly to me. I know you won't do so if I didn't do wrong.
I ever made you feel a slight jealousy. I know you wouldn't want me to leave.
I didn't treat you well when I'm not in the mood.
I always say the wrong things to you and it hurts you.
I was the cause for your sadness.
I spoiled your day several time.
I was being selfish.
I was acting stupid when I'm jealous. You know girls do.

I'm sorry I ever done wrong. I really do. Thanks a lot sayang. I won't forget you. I won't.

I cried when you say it (Part 3)

2010-03-31T13:49:00.004+08:00

Pernah satu hari ni, tapi yang sebelumnya daripada kisah pertama dan kedua. Azri asked me, "Saya ada benda nak cakap ni. Tapi awak sorang dengan Kak Ema je tau." I'm nervous hearing him saying that.

So I asked,

"Apa dia?"

He replied,

"Saya ada penyakit. Hari tu saya pergi jumpa doktor kebetulan masa Kak Ema buat medical check-up. Kak Ema suruh saya check kesihatan memandangkan saya selalu batuk."

"Then?"

"Doktor kata saya tak dapat hidup lama."

I was shocked. I couldn't say a thing. A single damn thing. I cleared my throat. I asked,

"Berapa lama?"

"Tak lama lagi. Doktor kata saya ada sakit hati. Tak dapat nak disembuhkan. Apa awak akan buat la, sayang?"

"Tak tau. Saya tak dapat buat apa apa. Penyakit awak tu tak dapat disembuhkan."

"Awak nak jaga saya?"

"Nak! Kalau saya dapat."

Air mata bergenang. Okay, cerita part 1, part 2 and 3 semuanya kisah sedih. Korang pun boleh baca sendiri tajuk kan? Hehe. He asked me,

"Kalau dapat?"

"Kan saya dah cakap, kalau dapat saya sanggup jaga awak."

"Terima kasih. Sayang jaga saya, kay?"

"Okay. I will of course."

Then he chuckled. I thought, 'Macam mana budak ni boleh gelak dah tau hidup dia tak lama lagi?' till he told me,

"Actually, saya sakit hati. Sakit hati dengan awak. Awak selalu buat saya rindu awak. Sebab tu saya sakit hati. Sakit hati mana dapat nak sembuh, kan?"

"Maksudnya, awak tak mati la?"

"Of course not! Haha. Saya tipu je tadi. Nak tengok reaksi sayang. Haha. Sorry."

"Okay."

"Sayang.."

"Apa?"

"Sorry la kay?"

"Okay. Saya ingat awak betul betul akan mati tau! Saya dah terfikir, hilanglah semua happiness kita selama ni, tak lama lagi sayang akan mati. Awak jahat! Huhh!"

"Sayang, it's okay. Saya ada kat sini. Awak jangan la nangis lagi, kay?"

"Okay! Huhh!"

"Sayang, dah la. Saya suka reaksi sayang. Buat saya rasa dihargai. Terima kasih. Saya tak sangka awak care sangat sampai macam tu sekali. Sorry."

"Bodoh! Siapa tak care kalau dah nama pun sayang, huh?"

"Haha. Ye la, ye la. Sorry."

"Saya sayang awak tau tak. Saya dah fikir, saya kena live the life to the fullest sementara tunggu masa untuk awak mati. Saya sayang awak tau tak?!"

"Okay sayang, chill. Saya sayang awak, saya tak akan tinggalkan awak la. Don't worry la kay?"

"Lain kali jangan buat cerita yang awak tak hidup lama lagi, tau?"

"Okay. Dah dah. Sorry."

He smiled. I can sense it. He's smiling. I'm still all gloomy at that time. I can't force a smile on my face even when he asked me to. Azri, kau memang kejam!

I cried when you say it (Part 2)

2010-03-31T11:37:00.006+08:00

The story begins on the same day as the part one. But at different time. I was overwhelmed to write one. What more to say part 2. It's just that I'm separating it to make it easy for me to tell. Hehe. Again, I'm still on the phone. Cerita punya cerita, then masuk la pulak hal cerita seorang perempuan buta yang selalu ditemani si suami setiap kali ke tempat kerja dan akhirnya mendapat tahu dari drebar bas bahawa lelaki yang selalu melihatnya dari tepi jalan sebelum keberangkatan bas merupakan si suami. You'll never expect a boy would love that story, would you? Well, you have to. Azri suka sangat kisah tu. It makes him realise life more than he ever should.

So later we talked and exchange opinion about it till he finally asked me,

"Sayang, kalau saya buta, awak nak tak jaga saya? Awak nak tak sayang saya? Awak sudi tak kahwin dengan saya?"

"Sayang, saya tak kisah keadaan awak macam mana sekalipun. Saya masih ada kasih sayang daripada awak. Kalau awak buta sekalipun, bukannya awak tak boleh cakap, 'Saya sayang awak'. Kan? Bukannya awak tak sayang saya, kan?"

"Tapi awak tak rasa kalau saya buta tu nanti akan membebankan awak?"

"Tak langsung. Dah nama sayang. Kalau buruk mana pun sesuatu tu tapi kalau kita sayang, terjaga jugak benda tu. Macam awak sayang LC awak tu. Hehe."

"Sayang, saya terharu awak cakap semua tu. Hmm. Kalau saya buta nanti, awak la teman saya tidur. Then bila saya terjaga, kan saya tak nampak awak, saya tanya la, 'Sayang, dah tidur ke?'. Awak jawab, 'Belum lagi. Kenapa sayang? Okay tak ni?'. Saya cakap, 'Kenapa belum tidur lagi?'. Awak jawab, 'Saya tengah tengok sayang tidur sebab tu lah.' Then saya pulak tanya, 'Kenapa, saya berdengkur ke?' Awak jawab, 'Eh tak la. Saya tengok orang yang saya sayang tidur. Dah, sayang tidur je kay?' Saya cakap, 'Okay.' Lepas tu saya hug sayang kan?"

I didn't say a thing for I was so damn speechless at that time. I cried. Again. I smiled. Then I keep crying. But Azri didn't realise that I was crying beacuse he keep asking me,

"Sayang? Dengar tak?"

I just replied with a 'hmm' sound. He asked me again,

"Sayang okay? Eh, sayang nangis lagi ke? Lahh."

"Saya tak tahan dengar cerita sayang tu. Huu."

"Okay, sorry. Hmm."

He continued his story,

"Dah saya tidur tu, sayang pun bangun la. Sayang kejut saya tidur, bangun Subuh. Then sayang teman saya pergi toilet, pergi ambil wuduk. Then sayang tolong aturkan sejadah ke arah kiblat."

I cried. Oh God, when am I going to stop? But I liked it, to cry that way. Feeling touched by his stories, specially made for me. Then Zima pulak yang tanya,

"Kalau saya pulak yang buta? Sayang jaga? Sayang tak kisah?"

"Tak langsung. Saya akan jaga awak. Selagi saya mampu. Okay, sayang imagine eh. Satu hari ni saya buat pembedahan mata supaya saya buta. Sama sama la kita buta tapi sayang tak tau yang saya buta."

"Okay. Kan saya tak tau yang sayang buta, so saya pun mintak tolong sayang ambilkan barang untuk saya. Lama sangat saya tunggu sayang ambil barang. Ye lah, saya tak tau yang sayang buta kan."

My eyes was filled with tears. My voice trembled. Then he continues,

"Then perkara macam ni selalu terjadi sampai sayang pun marah kenapa saya selalu ambil masa yang lama untuk ambil barang. Till one day ada family member kita datang rumah. Dia pun tanya saya, 'Macam mana keadaan mata awak Azri?'. Saya cuma cakap, 'Shh!'. Lepas tu awak kata, 'Sayang, orang tanya tu. Jawab je la.'. Then saya pun keberatan nak cerita sebab saya tak nak sayang tau yang saya buta jugak, sama macam sayang. Lepas tu saya cerita semua yang saya buta. Sayang terdiam. Lepas tu sayang tanya, 'Sayang buta? Selama ni sayang selalu ambil masa yang lama untuk ambil barang, sebab sayang buta la, ya?'. Saya pun jawab, 'Ya. Sorry sayang sebab tak bagi tau.' Lepas tu sayang pergi dekat saya, sayang peluk saya. Sayang pun cakap la, 'Sorry saya layan sayang macam tu sekali. Saya tak tau sayang buta jugak.' Lepas tu sayang peluk saya erat."

"Sayang, thanks cerita macam tu. Saya suka."

"Awak suka? Cerita sedih macam tu?"

"Yup. Buat saya sedar siapa awak untuk saya. Kamek sayang kitak eh. Sayang gilak gilak."

"Kamek sayang kitak juak. Dah la, jangan nangis lagi,kay?"

Okay, he knows I was crying. I asked this silly question that let him explain too long for a simple question,

"Macam mana sayang tau saya nangis?"

"Sayang, kalau dah awak diam tiba tiba. Maybe awak tak okay ke kan? Plus saya kenal awak kalau awak nangis macam mana. Saya tanya awak soalan pun awak tak jawab. Awak susah nak bercakap kalau time menangis."

He's true. You may say I'm crazy in love because I am crazy in love. I fell in love again with him. I love you, Azri.

I cried when you say it (Part 1)

2010-03-31T11:11:00.005+08:00

I remembered I was on the phone. Talking, babbling much and everything. We laughed, we nag then laugh again. A lot of stuff has been discovered. Till one topic that just make my heart goes, 'Oh my, thanks!' The story begins, well I'm telling you in bahasa Malaysia instead. Hehe.

Masa tu Zima borak borak sampai la masuk topik kahwin. Zima cakap kat dia,

"Kita kahwin, tak payah ada anak dulu ya. Enjoy dulu. Haha."

Azri setuju dan dia ketawa. Then dia kata,

"Tapi kalau dah ditakdirkan ada anak jugak, kita terima je la ye. Anugerah Allah tu."

"Esh kalau macam tu memang la. Pelik sayang ni. Haha."

Lepas tu mula la dengan fantasi Zima. Zima tanya dia,

"Sayang, imagine this. Kalau masa nak beranak tu en, saya tak sempat nak tengok baby, apa awak buat?"

"Esh ke situ pulak awak ni. Tak payah fikir macam tu la. You'll survive, InsyaAllah."

"Memang la, tapi kalau dah ditakdirkan saya ni meninggal masa melahirkan anak?"

Azri jawab dengan hati hati, Zima dapat tau dari suara dia. Dia sedih. Layan feel la kitorang masa tu. He said,

"Sayang, mesti la sedih. Frust sangat. Orang yang kita sayang pergi macam tu je."

"Kalau baby tu sempat hidup, awak jaga dia elok elok la ye."

"Ye. Kalau baby tu perempuan, saya bagi nama dia sempena nama awak. Supaya saya selalu ingat awak."

Lepas dia cakap tu, Zima terus nangis. The thing we're both talking about wasn't going to be true but that's something that makes me go 'God, I don't want him to leave me. I don't want to leave him.'

He realised I was silent suddenly. He said,

"Sayang, jangan nangis. Dah la. Tu cerita yang kita reka je. Tak sangka la pulak sayang nangis. Dah la kay?"

".........."

"Sayang, dah la. Saya ada ni la. Saya tak tinggalkan awak. Dah chill la kay?"

"Okay."

"Sayang.."

"Apa? Eh, susah la nak cakap time tengah nangis. Sengau suara saya plus hidung sumbat. Haa."

"Haha. Kesian sayang. Dah la kay? I love you. Hee."

The best part selain dia kata 'Saya akan namakan anak kita sempena nama sayang' ialah Azri tau Zima menangis!